How a couple describes their past can predict divorce

What a couple’s perspective on their own history might say about their future.

When I listen to couples tell me about how they meet, I pay attention to how each person is telling the story and I also pay attention to how their partner responds to the story. This can be a good sign if both people are able to look back with affection in their early years. If people talk negatively about how they are seen, it indicates that there are some big problems in the relationship.

In fact, some studies have found that how people describe their past as a couple is related to their chances of being together. People who describe their early years as negative experiences are more likely to get divorced than couples who describe their early years as positive.

This does not mean that divorce is inevitable, of course: as their therapist, understanding how a couple sees their past helps me understand what kind of intervention they need in the present. If there is a conflict between a couple, but they still smile when describing their early years, perhaps they need help to learn some new communication skills. The relationship didn’t get too “isolated”.

Although if I meet a couple who are critical of their early years, I know they probably need a different kind of support. Before being able to navigate conflict from a place of love and respect, these couples need support in three specific areas: negativity towards their wives, marital frustration, and flooding.


This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.


Negativity towards your wife

After years of unmanaged conflict, couples will begin to develop negative prejudices against each other. This means that they begin to see everything about their partner through the negative lens. They doubt everything without the benefit of the doubt. Even when their partner does something kind or sweet, they will see it through a critical lens. For example:

  • “Yeah, they were very sweet in the beginning, But It was just a job. “
  • “I guess we went on some good dates, but they were always so expensive so nothing changed.”

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

Couples will begin to see each other in absolute terms:

  • “They’ve never been romantic.”
  • “They were always irrational.”
  • “They’ve never tried so hard.”

Almost nothing in life is absolute, and by thinking this way you are imagining that it is. The more perfectly you think, the harder it will be to see your partner in a new light. Also, when we speak freely, we are defensive. Saying something like “You’re never romantic” is setting yourself up for a response like “Are you kidding? Last month I set that whole date for us, and you didn’t even pay attention. I’ll never win.”

We also know that people meet our expectations for them. When we tell someone that we already think they are failing, they will probably stop trying. Where, when we point out where we feel they have met the mark, they feel inspired to meet it again.

To improve it, you will want to make a conscious effort to focus on what your partner is doing well in your daily life. Try to keep a compliment journal, take the time to give your partner a word of appreciation and gratitude and Stop adding a “but” At the end of the positive praise.


This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.


Marital frustration

Describing your early years as a bummer means that there are some levels of marital frustration in the relationship. When people can’t even collect a beautiful story about the first time they met, it could signal their abandonment of marriage. This may indicate that they feel defeated and depressed about the outcome and they have forgotten the possibility that it was ever exciting, loving and good.

Often it is related to the unspoken expectations in the relationship. To improve, you need to do a reset on what you expect from each other and start to be more expressive and clear about your needs.



Couples who struggle with marital frustration and negativity in their relationship are more likely to live what Paul Ekman, PhD, a clinical psychologist and emotion researcher, calls a flooding condition. A flooded state means that our bodies are stimulated in different ways শার physically and mentally এবং and because of this, we struggle to deal with conflict effectively. You will notice that if your heart is racing you are flooded, it is difficult to access your thoughts during conflict and you feel annoyed or completely off.

Work to reduce flooding, improve negativity and marital frustration. And, at this point, you will want to practice self-calmness by breathing, releasing your muscles, and taking breaks if necessary.


This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.


The way you think about your relationship is important. Make sure you pay attention to where your thoughts go. While it is important to maintain a realistic understanding of our relationship – which includes complaints and negative thinking – we also need to make sure we are making room for good things, noticing what we appreciate, love and where our partner is doing things. “

Chronic negativity, frustration, and flooding with our spouse can lead to illness in our relationship and divorce when married.

If you truly believe that your partner is never doing the right thing, that there is nothing to appreciate, and that it is difficult for you to notice what you like, then it is important to take the time to decide if you want to continue the relationship. Living in a relationship colored by frustration and negativity towards each other is not fair to both individuals. Therapy can help couples.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.